under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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