Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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