When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
