i just wanna soil my oats bro
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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