OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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