OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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