I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
