dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
