I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
