today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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