My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
