i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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