Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I got inside last night via doggy door
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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