This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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