Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
