The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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