I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
