Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I wish there were birth control emojis
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
