he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
