and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
