woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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