How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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