apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I think a kid would responsible me up
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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