The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
