From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
