dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
