she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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