I cockslap morals
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
