I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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