New invention idea: vibrating tampons
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I could make wine with my vomit
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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