Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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