sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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