I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
