I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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