Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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