I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
