YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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