Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
