omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
