If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
