i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
