I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
