my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
