you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
