remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
