This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
