non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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