I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
