Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
