dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
