I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
