remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
