Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
