Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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