I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
