lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
