Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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