I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
