he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
